Geordie Shore Begins With A Snore

Geordie Shore – Tuesdays, 10 PM, MTV

How do you sum up a program like Geordie Shore? Loud, obnoxious and uncultured just don’t seem sufficient words to describe the barrel-scraping reality show, now in its second season.

The cast has been handpicked to be the worst possible representatives of the city of Newcastle. They live together in a converted warehouse, complete with gym, hot tub and ‘shag pad’.

There seems to be an endless supply of booze provided, possibly by desperate producers hoping to entice the worst behavior from the cast. Although, they don’t seem to need much coaxing.

In addition to the brain-dead cast of last season, two new participants have been dredged up in order to humiliate themselves. New girl Rebecca promises, “I’m gonna be loud constantly, act up, I creep about with Sudocrem and things on mah face.”

Of course, this being an enlightened post-feminist age, the other women are happy to welcome their new housemate… Oh, who am I kidding, they tear her to shreds. “Who does she think she is?” They shriek, as Rebecca totters in with high-heels and a precariously held together dress.

There’s lots of fake air kissing and passive-aggressive introductions while drinks are carelessly downed. Inevitably, a fight starts between the newbie and orange-colored Vicky, although having changed into a onesie and pink fluffy slippers, Rebecca seems a lot less threatening.

Meanwhile, in the hot tub, dopey Charlotte, whose face can only be described as ‘serene’ is hooking-up with her on-again-off-again ex, Gaz.

Despite soberly promising never to sleep with him again, the inhibitions soon disappear, and the two of them end up in the shag pad. We are then treated to night-vision footage of the couple fumbling under a duvet.

It’s not all arguing and shagging. The cast has to run a business, a mobile spray tan company, which means a lot of screeching and running around in knickers while they learn their trade. There are also endless montages of nights out, with pumping music, girls tripping over, and shots being downed.

The show is utterly headache-inducing, and thanks to the ‘edgy’ camera work, slightly nauseating too. Basically, if Big Brother was too intellectual for you, then Geordie Shore might just be your show.